Mentors are usually described as “friends.” But what does that mean? What makes someone a friend? One mentor talks about friendship this way:
I’m more a brother or a friend, I guess, than a parent or anything. That’s the way I try to act and be with him. I don’t want him to think—and I don’t think he does—that I’m like a teacher or a parent or something. I don’t want him to be uncomfortable, like I’m going to be there always looking over his shoul der and always there to report him for things he does wrong and that he tells me. I just want to be there as his friend to help him out.
The reality is that mentors have a unique role in the lives of children and youth. They are like an ideal older sister or brother— someone who is a role model and can provide support and gentle guidance. They are also like a peer, because they enjoy having fun with their mentee. But they aren’t exactly either of these. Sometimes it seems easier to talk about what mentors are by describing what they should not be:
Don’t act like a parent. One of the things your mentee will appreciate about you is that you are not his or her parent. However much they love their parents, young people might sometimes see them primarily as people who set rules and express disapproval. Youth need other adults in their lives, but they are unlikely to warm to a friendship with an unrelated adult who emphasizes these parental characteristics.
A mentor explains how he avoids acting like a parent:
A couple of times his mom has said, well, you know, I was wondering if you could talk to Randy. He had some behavior problem in school. And I just said to Randy, “Hey, you know, what’s going on?” and was just mostly light about it because it was nothing really major. You don’t want to turn the kid off: Oh, you better this, this, and this. . . . It’s not a good idea to use the meetings for, “Well, if you don’t do this then we don’t meet” type of thing. That’s like the worst thing you could do because then he’s being punished twice. Because usually the mother has something else that she’s done to punish him, you know, he’s grounded or he can’t watch television. And then for me to say, “Well, we’re not going to meet because you don’t know how to behave in school”— there’s no real correlation to us meeting and him behaving in school.
Don’t try to be an authority figure. It can be difficult for a youth to befriend an unknown adult. You want to help the relationship evolve into one of closeness and trust—but if you sound like you think you know everything and you tell your mentee what to do and how to act, you are likely to jeopardize your ability to build that trust. If youth feel that they risk criticism when they talk to you about something personal, they are unlikely to open up to you. Share your values without being “preachy.” Instead, teach— sometimes silently, by being a role model and setting an example.
A mentor talks about being a friend:
I remember being raised as a kid. I don’t think kids respond well to being told, “I want you to do this or else.” I think kids aren’t going to respond to that. I think you have to let kids talk to you on their level, and when they feel com fortable enough. . . . I said, “Look, if you ever want to talk about anything. . . . We’ll talk about your father. . . . If you ever want to say something, like that your mother makes you angry, I’m not going to tell her anything. I’ll just sit here and listen.”
DO focus on establishing a bond, a feeling of attachment, a sense of equality, and the mutual enjoyment of shared time. These are all important qualities of a friendship.
A youth talks about her mentor and friend:
Oh, it’s fun because I never really had a sister. It’s fun, it’s someone that, you know, you can do things with besides your mother. . . . Well, I don’t really do anything with my mother because we have like two separate things. She goes to work, I go to school, she comes home and, you know, we’re just there. We don’t do anything. So this really gives me a chance to do some thing with somebody I really like.
It can be a challenge for mentors to step outside traditional adult/youth authority roles. The successful mentors are the ones who can be a positive adult role model while focusing on the bonding and fun of a traditional friendship.