What are the qualities of an effective mentor? What strategies do mentors use to engage and connect with youth? These questions are at the heart of all mentoring relationships. Every year, thousands of volunteers come to mentoring programs because they want to make a positive difference in the lives of youth. But how are these volunteers able to make a difference? How does the magic of mentoring happen?
Why were some relationships doing so well while others had come apart? The key reasons had to do with the expectations and approach of the mentor.
Most of the mentors in the relationships that failed had a belief that they should, and could, “reform” their mentee. These mentors, even at the very beginning of the match, spent at least some of their time together pushing the mentee to change. Almost all the mentors in the successful relationships believed that their role was to support the youth, to help him or her grow and develop. They saw themselves as a friend.
Those successful mentors understood that positive changes in the lives of young people do not happen quickly or automatically. If they are to happen at all, the mentor and youth must meet long enough and often enough to build a relationship that helps the youth feel supported and safe, develop self-confidence and self-esteem, and see new possibilities in life. First, trust and friendship. Change may then follow as you lead by example and role-modeling, including in matters of spiritual life. successful mentors knew they had to:
Take the time to build the relationship
Become a trusted friend
Always maintain that trust
While establishing a friendship may sound easy, it often is not. Adults and youth are separated by age and, in many cases, by background and culture. Even mentors with good instincts can stumble or be blocked by difficulties that arise from these differences. It takes time for youth to feel comfortable just talking to their mentor, and longer still before they feel comfortable enough to share a confidence. Learning to trust—especially for young people who have already been let down by adults in their lives—is a gradual process. Mentees cannot be expected to trust their mentors simply because program staff members have put them together. Developing a friendship requires skill and time.
What are the qualities of an effective mentor? This guide describes 10 important features of successful mentors’ attitudes and styles:
Be a friend.
Have realistic goals and expectations.
Have fun together.
Give your mentee voice and choice in deciding on activities.
Be positive.
Let your mentee have much of the control over what the two of you talk about—and how you talk about it.
Listen.
Respect the trust your mentee places in you.
Remember that your relationship is with the youth, not the youth’s parent.
Remember that you are responsible for building the relationship.
In one study, mentors who took these approaches were the ones able to build a friendship and develop trust. They were the mentors who were ultimately able to make a difference in the lives of youth.
Don’t forget to consult with your TeenWorks staff for advice and support as you build trust, understanding, and a new friendship with your mentee.
(Adapted from “Building Relationships: A Guide for New Mentors)